Additions and Changes

Like one of my supervisors mentioned:  I like to pull my wagon in circles.  Basically meaning that I tend to stay wallowing in my own “I have not idea what I’m doing” sort of mindset before getting myself sorted and just doing it.

So here I am, draft 1 written (for Panel) and I’m thinking of changing my methodology to include another aspect of reflexive data generation:  I share my narrative with my participants which would, ideally, in turn resonate with them on some level so that they would share their stories.  Now I’m thinking perhaps having my participants share their stories with each other as well, like a second stage, to see what further insights may occur.

This idea does come with several “but wait, what about…” sort of moments.  One of them is how to manage the data analysis – will it be in several stages? Simultaneously or sequentially?  And then it calls to question why I would need one-to-one interviews as well as at what stage would I conduct the interview? Before or after the participants have read each other’s narratives?  And how will I gather further insights that may occur upon reading other narratives – via another narrative?  A reflection journal?  Another interview?

More thoughts, though a little confusing it is rather exciting to see my research develop in this direction.  For me, it shows that I’m moving forward and that the idea that I started with is growing and developing further.  I hope I can keep up!

PhD Panel Prep: The drafting process

And so here I am in the final stages of putting together or rather piecing together my cluster of thoughts for this draft. I do like writing – it’s the “getting to it” stage that I find myself procrastinating. Or as one of my supervisors put it, I drag the wagon in circles.

So true.

The writing process forces me to focus on what exactly am I talking about and this is hard. Effective because it forces me to make conscious decisions and drives me towards meeting a deadline. And to be honest I haven’t been very disciplined lately because I believed I had more time. Bad habit to get into – the false belief that I have time and that time will give me space.

Between the lines

I’ve been struggling with an abstract idea that came to me – moving from being an exception to being a possibility.  I understand that often VEM-NESTs are seen as an exception to a widely held definition that native speakers are White.  I struggle with the implication that using my Canadian identity makes me “more” White and therefore a native speaker of English – an exception but not necessarily a possible option.  Or am I looking into this too much?  Am I making a case for discrimination when in fact, by stating my Canadian identity it benefits me as an EFL professional by aligning myself to being a native speaker and therefore continuing the cycle?

It’s beneficial for me professionally to be identified as a native speaker of English and I struggle with this.  I know that there shouldn’t be a hierarchy based on the type of English that I use.  Yet the reality is that students/schools (and the industry as a whole) prefers to employ native speakers.  In general they are given the better positions, job prospects and pay in EFL contexts around the world.  So for me as a native speaker of English I know that this is unfair yet I am in a comfortable position to cast my egalitarian opinion while enjoying the privilege of my status.  It’s hypocritical and yet, here I am.

So how to get beyond this state?  I understand the why but not quite the how.

Attention Span

Energy follows attention, or so the saying goes.  Where the mind is, the energy will follow.

Lately I’ve been feeling really, really negative about many things in my life.  How I’ve come to a stand still while things are happening all around me, or that my perceptions of the major things in my life I felt that I had no control over – and I dwelt on that.  I’m coming to the surface of all this negativity by wondering what the hell is going on in my head and why (WHY) I’m focusing so much of my attention on the what-ifs-therefore-coulds.  Such as what if I don’t prepare enough for this panel I could lose my PhD, or what if I leave cleaning the bathroom I could just be waiting another damn week before someone notices that it’s not clean.  Some trivial thoughts, others not no much, but all negative.

I think lately I’ve been feeling that all the efforts I put into – from reading up on a particular discourse view to cleaning the bathroom – aren’t getting me anywhere.  Or that I don’t have something at the end of all my efforts that I’m happy with.  Sure I’ve gain more knowledge about discourse and my bathroom is clean, but I don’t feel satisfied because I think I haven’t been feeling particularly encouraged.  Not only externally, from others, but from myself.  I caught myself the other day thinking “it’s not good enough” or “I need to do more” or “I should have…”! All this circular thinking has been creating a sort of negative cloud in my head that I seem to come back to.  And it’s tiring for both myself and others around me.  I know that I can’t make others acknowledge my efforts (PhD or otherwise) but I think if I at least start with myself as the first step towards getting out of this negative vibe.

So today I’m going to try to focus on changing my perspective and see if things turn out differently.  It’s a strange place to be in, when you realise that you’re turning into someone you don’t like and are tired of fighting against ghosts.  I’m going to try to turn the negativity around into something constructive.  Not in the false sort of way – “I’m so happy” – kind of denial but in a way that looks a little more positively at life.

PhD Reflections Year ONE : On positionality

I’ve been struggling for a while with trying to position myself “closer” to my research, as in placing my experiences – my narrative – in the midst of the rest of the data and becoming part of the process.  In my earlier research (MA) I had deliberately distanced myself from the data, only using my experiences to foreground the study and reflect, in part, at the end of the study and what general implications it would have on VEM-NESTs.  I find myself today facing a new challenge:  how to write in such a way that doesn’t distance myself from my study.  I had spent several hours trying to figure out why I was writing so “academically” when describing my own thoughts on my own experiences!  It’s an odd place to be when you realise that your head is in the clouds a bit too much and you need to ask yourself “what does it mean for me”?  So here I am, poised above the keyboard, writing in a style that should come more naturally to me but doesn’t!