Energy follows attention, or so the saying goes. Where the mind is, the energy will follow.
Lately I’ve been feeling really, really negative about many things in my life. How I’ve come to a stand still while things are happening all around me, or that my perceptions of the major things in my life I felt that I had no control over – and I dwelt on that. I’m coming to the surface of all this negativity by wondering what the hell is going on in my head and why (WHY) I’m focusing so much of my attention on the what-ifs-therefore-coulds. Such as what if I don’t prepare enough for this panel I could lose my PhD, or what if I leave cleaning the bathroom I could just be waiting another damn week before someone notices that it’s not clean. Some trivial thoughts, others not no much, but all negative.
I think lately I’ve been feeling that all the efforts I put into – from reading up on a particular discourse view to cleaning the bathroom – aren’t getting me anywhere. Or that I don’t have something at the end of all my efforts that I’m happy with. Sure I’ve gain more knowledge about discourse and my bathroom is clean, but I don’t feel satisfied because I think I haven’t been feeling particularly encouraged. Not only externally, from others, but from myself. I caught myself the other day thinking “it’s not good enough” or “I need to do more” or “I should have…”! All this circular thinking has been creating a sort of negative cloud in my head that I seem to come back to. And it’s tiring for both myself and others around me. I know that I can’t make others acknowledge my efforts (PhD or otherwise) but I think if I at least start with myself as the first step towards getting out of this negative vibe.
So today I’m going to try to focus on changing my perspective and see if things turn out differently. It’s a strange place to be in, when you realise that you’re turning into someone you don’t like and are tired of fighting against ghosts. I’m going to try to turn the negativity around into something constructive. Not in the false sort of way – “I’m so happy” – kind of denial but in a way that looks a little more positively at life.
